Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
