There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize