He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
