What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
