I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
