I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
