I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
