I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
