I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
