I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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