my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
