You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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