Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
