I wish I could punch you in the face.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my poor anus
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
