If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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