So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
