I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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