some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
BRING THE BAGELS
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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