Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
