can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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