Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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