Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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