Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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