What did we do last night that was yellow?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
