I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize