He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
