That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize