you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
