Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
