can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
