so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
