Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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