weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
