You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
