I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
