dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
