Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
