what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
