How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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