I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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