I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize