conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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