I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
