this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
