What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
