he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize