I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize