I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize