please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
