Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
