I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
