My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
