So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
