Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
