when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
