I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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