I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
