My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
