def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
