he told me I talked like a deaf person
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
