He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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